ALONE

Starkly alone. Aching heart and a deep seated sense of dread. Isolated for weeks, if not more. Day one, hard, horrid. Silence, people stop, life is paused in a warped time-zone. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Feeling it, letting it sit, it tries to take hold. I’m quiet, contemplative, sad, deeply sad. Panicked, I want my old life back, the one where there was a future, options, excitement. This one has a sense of doom, spiralling out of control. Where does the future lie?

Time to reflect on what was and what is, time to plan for what is and what will be. Lots of time to think, too much time. Solitary, alone.

For now there is no choice but to bear it. Day one of a sentence I don’t wish to be fucking part of, but I am, so is everybody.

CONDITIONAL LOVE

True love is unconditional, zero expectation. It’s a wholehearted love, adoration, unselfish.

Unconditional love about communication. If you love someone truly, and if you’re a good person, then you want to see the other person happy and flourishing, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Communication is kind and lacks judgement. There’s no room for mind games, no time to withhold how you feel, no space to create doubt in the other. It’s about honest and transparent communication of feelings, the alternative is about control.

Unconditional love is not complete without self-love. Security and self belief are a good foundation to love another. It means you’re already whole and don’t need to take from another to feel good. It’s loving someone deeply for who they are, not for what they do for you.

Conditional love waits for a return. It leads to resentment, bitterness and disappointment if expectations are not met, unattractive qualities.

Conditional ‘love’ is not love in my eyes. Conditions mean control and control is not a way to love. Control is dissatisfaction, it’s a desire for change, manipulation and that’s a warped type of love. Manipulation is abusive, it plays with another soul, it’s confusing and isolating. NOT love.

Conditional love is not love. Unconditional love is where it’s at.