ALONE

Starkly alone. Aching heart and a deep seated sense of dread. Isolated for weeks, if not more. Day one, hard, horrid. Silence, people stop, life is paused in a warped time-zone. I have never felt so alone in my life.

Feeling it, letting it sit, it tries to take hold. I’m quiet, contemplative, sad, deeply sad. Panicked, I want my old life back, the one where there was a future, options, excitement. This one has a sense of doom, spiralling out of control. Where does the future lie?

Time to reflect on what was and what is, time to plan for what is and what will be. Lots of time to think, too much time. Solitary, alone.

For now there is no choice but to bear it. Day one of a sentence I don’t wish to be fucking part of, but I am, so is everybody.

DELETE

I came across this today. The image perfectly aligned with my last 24 hours. How more appropriate could you get. It’s a sign, well maybe not, but I saw it and it spoke to me. Fuck off it said.

Yesterday I said no more, I’m done, the tipping point for boundaries and action. It’s been a long time coming. Far to many chances have been given, at my detriment, leaving me pretty low, especially in the last day. I’m taking back my power, pushing toxic energy far outside my boundaries. Blocked. Deleted.

It left me turning back to myself, quietly reflecting, thoughtfully thinking. The decision was a total no brainer, it actually wasn’t a decision, a non decision. I was left thinking deeply about other parts of my life. What was I willing to accept? It left me still, devoid of conversation. The only conversation I needed to have was with myself and it was a serious one.

With a busy, disturbed mind, sleep didn’t come easy last night. I realised how completely over it I am and I felt relief that this was not going to continue. So as the sun came up, I welcomed the new day, relieved all pressure from myself other than what was critical.

Silence is bliss and I have a whole lot more of that to look forward to. Finally.